Life or Death
by daydreambeliever63
Summary: Carries on from when Jane shoots Hardy. Follows the hunt for Red John and the consequences it has for the team.
1. My Eyes Have Seen You

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

**This is my first attempt at fanfiction, so constructive criticism is welcome. I'm hoping that this will be a multi-chaptered story, with each chapter named after a song. It follows on from the scene in the finale when Jane shoots Hardy. They might seem a bit OOC at first, but more will be explained in the next chapter. I'm going to try to build the story up slowly, so nothing will happen as easily as it seems it will. I'm not American, so I apologise in advance for any mistakes. **

**Chapter One: My Eyes Have Seen You ~ The Doors**

My eyes have seen you  
Turn and stare  
Fix your hair  
Move upstairs,

My eyes have seen you  
Free from disguise  
Gazing on a city under  
Television skies.

The SUV hadn't gone far down the road when Rigsby and Cho heard a shot ring out. Rigsby automatically slowed down, glancing at the man in the passenger seat.

"It can't be them, can it?" he asked nervously. "Hardy was knocked out and cuffed, wasn't he?" Before Cho had a chance to speak, a second gunshot gave them the answer. Rigsby wasted no time in turning around and putting his foot to the floor.

//////////////////////////////////////////

The scene when they arrived back at the house was chaotic. The paramedics who had been treating Hardy were now frantically trying to save the life of the deputy he had shot, while the local officers were all over the place, not sure what to do. As they got out of the vehicle, both men relaxed slightly at the sight of Lisbon and Jane unharmed. Jane was kneeling beside Hardy's body while Lisbon stood silently by his side, her hand resting on his shoulder.

"What happened?" asked Cho quietly as he approached them. Jane didn't move, lost in his own thoughts as Lisbon explained the situation as briefly as she could. She didn't fail to notice their surprise when they learned that Jane had fired the fatal shot, just as they didn't fail to notice that she hadn't broken contact with Jane throughout her monologue.

Realising that his boss was not in a fit state to control the situation, Cho took charge. "Rigsby and I will wait for the coroner. You and Jane should take Maya back to headquarters and let her parents know that she's been found."

Lisbon nodded gratefully. "Make sure the scene is secure. We'll need to come back tomorrow to search for any evidence of Red John."

As Lisbon walked over to talk to a plainly terrified Maya, Jane stood up slowly and turned to face Cho and Rigsby, his eyes leaving the body for the first time. He somehow looked like a different person to the one they had seen only a few hours before.

"You did the right thing, you know," Rigsby told him, anxious to provide comfort in anyway he could. He still remembered vividly the first time he had killed someone, and could understand the torrent of emotions the other man must be feeling.

"I know," was all Jane could say, before Lisbon returned with Maya.

//////////////////////////////////////////

The first part of the thirty minute journey was silent. For once, Jane had no idea of what to say to Lisbon, especially with Maya huddled in the backseat. Lisbon was clearly concerned about her, constantly checking her in the rear view mirror. Jane also noticed the subtle glances she was giving him. She was worried about him, but it was tinged with something else. He studied her more closely, trying to decipher her. He'd never admit it, but he found her harder to read than anyone else, probably because she tried so hard to keep everything from him.

The next time she looked at him he was ready. Realising that she'd been caught out, she blushed lightly, but not before Jane had seen what she was feeling. There was a distinct undercurrent of guilt, mixed with something he hadn't been expecting. Fear. She was scared of what his reaction would be, that he would blame her for the loss of their best connection to Red John.

It was the last thing Jane wanted, so he decided to relieve the awkwardness of the atmosphere in the car in the best way he knew. He continued to stare at her, making it obvious so that Lisbon wouldn't be able to ignore him. Like clockwork, her blush deepened and her hands tightened on the steering wheel as they always did when she was annoyed at him. She was tempted to say something, but resisted so that they didn't start an argument in front of the victim.

However, after two minutes of continuous staring her resolve weakened.

"Damnit Jane, can you stop doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"You know perfectly well what!"

"No, I don't."

He turned to Maya, flashing her a conspiratorial smile.

"Did you see me do anything?"

Maya, who had seen everything quite clearly from her vantage point in the backseat, was enjoying the distraction from her memories of the past few days and decided to play along.

"I'm sorry Agent Lisbon, I didn't see anything."

Unable to argue, Lisbon mumbled something under her breath and kept her attention on the road. Mission accomplished, Jane spent the rest of the trip looking out the window.

//////////////////////////////////////////

Van Pelt was waiting for them in the bullpen when they arrived. Lisbon had almost forgotten that she had called her when Hardy had been arrested, and from the look on her face when she saw Jane, Van Pelt had already been informed of the situation.

After the moment of relative normality in the car, Lisbon felt much more in control and ready to deal with what had happened. Not wanting to give Van Pelt the chance to ask any uncomfortable questions, she began giving orders straight away.

"Can you take Maya through to my office and start taking a statement? We need to sort out the paperwork before we can take her home. I'll give the Plasketts the good news and inform Minelli of the situation."

As Lisbon made the phone calls, Jane over to his couch and sat down, closing his eyes. He had no desire to hear Lisbon explain again how he'd killed the man who could have given him Red John. Instead, he used the time to process his thoughts.

A few hours ago, he'd been certain that he would have given anything, including his own life, to bring Red John to justice. He'd honestly believed that once the murderer had been caught, his life would have no further purpose. For over five years, his life had been a cycle of self-loathing and a desire for revenge, interspersed with flashes of something approaching happiness when he was with the team. He had thought that it would be impossible to move on, even if he'd wanted to.

That had changed when he saw Hardy pointing the gun at Teresa Lisbon.

Jane had known almost from the moment they had met that there was an attraction between them, but they had both decided to ignore it as best they could. Although they had never discussed it with each other, they were both aware that Jane would never be able to commit to any sort of relationship.

Until now.

Jane had only been able to admit the depth of his feelings to himself when he had seen Lisbon seconds away from death. Catching Red John didn't seem to matter as he pulled the trigger. He did not regret his decision in the slightest.

His introspection was interrupted as Lisbon finished her calls and walked over to join him, perching on the edge of one of the desks. She looked drained, both physically and emotionally, as she watched Van Pelt and Maya talking through a gap in the blinds in her office.

"You look like you need a drink," Jane told her softly. It was always a sensitive topic with Lisbon, given her father's history, but tonight she didn't argue.

"Where are you planning on finding alcohol at this time of night? It's almost one."

He merely smiled at her as he stood and walked over to his mostly disused desk. Reaching it in five long strides, he opened the bottom drawer and pulled a bottle of scotch and two glasses out from the back. He met Lisbon's disapproving look with a triumphant one of his own as he returned to the couch and gestured for her to join him.

As she sat down, he poured two large servings of the scotch and handed her one of them. Much to Jane's surprise, she downed it all in one go and held out her glass for more. Jane copied her, wincing as it burned his throat, and refilled them both immediately.

As Lisbon slowly sipped at the second glass, she realised that Jane was staring at her again. This time, the mood turned serious as they both knew that they couldn't put off the conversation they had to have.

"I'm sorry," she said, unable to meet his eyes.

"There's nothing to be sorry for."

"Yes there is! If I'd only taken away his handcuff key, none of this would have happened!"

Anger at herself was beginning to take over guilt as her primary emotion, so Jane decided to stop her then and there. He reached out and gently lifted her chin so that she was forced to look at him.

"Listen to me carefully. No one could have predicted what Hardy was going to do. If he hadn't tried to escape then, he would have tried it somewhere else and most likely been killed there instead. I don't regret, _even for a moment_, shooting him, so you can stop feeling guilty about that as well."

Lisbon looked at him with obvious surprise. She had expected him to react with anger, to blame her for their failure to catch Red John yet again. That she could have dealt with, but Jane being so understanding made her feel worse.

"We could have had Red John."

"We could have. But in some strange way, not catching him tonight turned out to be the right thing."

Lisbon looked at him in disbelief.

"Are you seriously trying to tell me that you are glad we didn't find Red John?"

Jane shook his head, trying to find the right words to explain how he was feeling.

"No. I still want to find Red John and make sure he's punished for everything he's done. What I'm trying to say is that if we had have caught him tonight, I never would have realised that you're right."

Lisbon felt as if she had stepped through the looking glass. The night was getting stranger by the minute, and the alcohol wasn't helping. She didn't say anything, waiting for Jane to continue. Suddenly, she was very aware that his hand was still on her face, his thumb drawing light circles against her cheek.

"There are more important things than revenge. What happened tonight showed me that I choose life, like you told me I would."

Before Lisbon could answer, they were startled by the sound of the door to Lisbon's office opening. Reluctantly, Jane dropped his hand from her face and finished off the rest of his scotch.


	2. Nights in White Satin

**Chapter Two: Nights in White Satin ~ The Moody Blues**

Nights in white satin, never reaching the end,  
Letters I've written, never meaning to send.  
Beauty I'd always missed with these eyes before.  
Just what the truth is, I can't say anymore.

'Cos I love you, yes I love you, oh how I love you.

Gazing at people, some hand in hand,  
Just what I'm going through they can't understand.  
Some try to tell me, thoughts they cannot defend,  
Just what you want to be, you will be in the end.

And I love you, yes I love you,  
Oh how I love you, oh how I love you.

As soon as Van Pelt opened the door, she wished she hadn't. She knew straight away that she'd interrupted something if the blush staining Lisbon's cheeks was any guide. The rest of the team, hell the whole CBI, had noticed that there was something between Jane and Lisbon. But every time it seemed as if they were going to give into fate, one or both of them subtly pulled back and nothing changed. Mentally kicking herself over her poor timing, she remembered what she had come out for.

"Um, sorry Boss, Maya's asking for you. I don't think she's comfortable talking to someone she hasn't met."

Lisbon nodded, quickly slipping back into professional mode.

"You might as well go home, it's late. I'll call Cho and Rigsby and tell them the same thing. We need to be back at the crime scene first thing tomorrow morning, there is a mountain of evidence to process."

Van Pelt gave Maya a farewell wave before reaching for the jacket she'd discarded over the back of her chair earlier. As she put it on, something else occurred to her.

"Maya probably needs something to eat. From what I've gathered, Hardy wasn't too concerned about feeding her too regularly," she told Lisbon and Jane quietly, careful to make sure that she wasn't overhead.

Jane glanced into the office where the girl was huddled into the couch in the far corner of the room. She suddenly looked small and childlike as the adrenalin of being rescued wore off and reality sunk in.

"I'll make her something. Thanks Grace."

Jane was still searching through the fridge in the Serious Crimes Unit's kitchen area when Lisbon joined him.

"Has Rigsby left us anything?" she asked, putting the coffee pot on.

"Not a lot. I think I've found enough to make a sandwich, but she shouldn't hold out for dessert."

"I don't think she'll care much, she's exhausted."

"Do we have to take her through all this tonight, can't we take her home now and do the interview tomorrow?"

Jane could empathise completely with what Maya was going through. As the shock disappeared, it would hit her that her twin was no longer alive, that she wasn't in the next room waiting for her. The only thing they could do to help her was to take her home so she could begin to heal. Lisbon's expression told him that she felt exactly the same way, but couldn't do anything about it.

"It's Bureau protocol in cases like this that anyone involved is questioned immediately, a point Minelli made crystal clear when I woke him up. We don't know what information she might have on Red John, and if we don't act on it straight away, we make it easier for him to escape again."

Jane finished making the sandwich and leaned back against the counter as they waited for the coffee to finish. Lisbon looked tired, the dark circles under her eyes in sharp contrast to the paler than normal skin. Her arms were folded in a defence mechanism Jane hated. She was always unwilling to let him in, even for a second. It didn't stop him, of course, it just made him work harder to find the chink in her armour. It hurt him more than he'd let on, that she was so unwilling to trust him, no matter how hard he tried.

"How did the Plasketts take the news?"

He knew exactly how the family would have reacted, with relief and disbelief, tainted with grief for the daughter who would never return home. He still felt the need to ask, if only to see Lisbon's face brighten slightly as she thought about something more pleasant.

"They were ecstatic, as you'd expect. It took me a while to explain to them why they couldn't see her straight away, but I thought it would be better than having them lie awake all night fearing the worst."

The coffee finished brewing and she opened the cupboard to take out the mugs.

"Do you want one?" she asked him out of courtesy.

Ordinarily he'd say no and make himself a cup of tea. As an insomniac, he didn't have a good relationship with coffee, but he doubted he'd get the opportunity for any sleep that night so he answered in the affirmative. Lisbon's surprise alone made it worth forcing down the industrial strength brew as they sat in her office finishing Maya's statement.

It took them almost an hour to go through all the details of everything that had happened with Maya. Lisbon was sitting in a chair opposite the couch taking notes while Jane sat on Lisbon's desk simply watching and listening.

The details were harrowing. Lisbon knew that she would never become accustomed to this part of her job, but no matter how much she hated it, it was still a crucial part of building their cases. So she sat and listened and took notes, asking questions every so often. Jane, for once, stayed quiet, waiting for a simple word or a phrase that would create a link within his mind to Red John.

There was nothing. Almost as if he knew that Hardy's plan would fail, Red John had kept himself hidden from Maya, even though they had been mere feet away from each other. Lisbon kept probing, determined to find something, anything, that would help them. She knew that it was probably futile, but she still felt guilty for everything that had happened, despite Jane's words to her earlier. Somehow, she felt that if she could coax the crucial piece of information out of Maya, she could set everything right.

She conceded defeat after she had tried every possible line of questioning. Red John had been too careful, too meticulous, to let anything slip. Closing her notepad, she told Maya that she had finished for the night and gestured for Jane to join her outside the office.

As he shut the door behind him, she leaned against the wall and took in a deep breath.

"Do you pick up on anything?" she asked him, although she knew what the answer was.

He shook his head, confirming her suspicions. It was obvious that he was as frustrated as she was with the lack of progress. Although he was no longer hell bent on extracting his pound of flesh, Lisbon knew that his determination to catch Red John had not waivered.

"Then all we can do now is take Maya home and hope for a new lead tomorrow," she said, unable to think of anything to say to reassure him.

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," he said, pointing towards her office.

Confused, she silently opened the door and peeked inside. Maya had given in to her exhaustion and fallen asleep where she was, curled up against the arm of the couch. Unsure whether to leave her there or wake her up and take her home, Lisbon turned to Jane for guidance.

"Let her sleep. It will do her more good in the long run, at least she can escape her memories for a few hours."

This wasn't something Lisbon was going to argue with him about, so she picked up her phone to call the Plasketts and let them know it would be a while longer before they could see their daughter.

The conversation took a while, during which time Jane had disappeared. As she hung up, he reappeared holding two steaming mugs of something that definitely wasn't coffee. She sniffed it suspiciously when he handed it to her, not sure of what to make of it.

"It's only chamomile tea, it's not going to bite you," he teased her. She was pleased to notice that he was becoming more like his usual self again.

"I don't drink tea," she told him, forcing herself to take a sip. It was as foul as she expected, but for Jane's sake she took another sip.

He watched her reaction and almost laughed. He knew how much she despised tea, and ordinarily he wouldn't try to force her to drink it. He also knew that she would not go off duty until Maya was safely home, which meant that if she was to maintain any semblance of sanity, she needed to sleep on his couch. To achieve that, he needed her to relax, and short of hypnotising her, chamomile tea was his best option.

Lisbon soon felt slightly awkward with the silence between them. She couldn't see him going home and leaving her alone with Maya, particularly since he was sleeping in the office with increasing frequency anyway. Making small talk seemed inappropriate in the circumstances, yet she wasn't sure how to bring up Red John with him. As with most situations she wasn't sure how to handle, she approached it directly.

"Did you mean what you said earlier?"

"About what?"

She could have throttled him, or better still, poured his damn chamomile tea over him. It seemed as though any time she had ever tried to go beyond the façade he put up, he shut her out. Yet any time she tried to do the same to him, he looked hurt and made her feel guilty.

"What's the matter Jane, don't you trust me?"

She had gone from tired to angry in less than a second, standing up and slamming her cup on the desk. This wasn't what he had intended at all, so he came up with a way to make it work in his favour.

"You're getting tired, Lisbon. Why don't you go home and sleep for a few hours? I'll stay here and watch Maya." He kept his voice smooth and steady, knowing that she'd begin to relax again.

The distraction worked, as it had countless times before when he'd seriously annoyed her.

"I can't, she needs me here."

Jane could see that she'd already formed a close bond with Maya. Something about the girl had touched a chord within her, and it was clear that Maya trusted her completely. Despite her words, he could see that she was already struggling to stay awake, and he knew that she wouldn't be much use to anyone in the morning if she didn't get at least a couple of hours sleep.

"Why don't you have a nap on the couch then? I'll let you know if Maya wakes up," he told her, cutting off her protest.

He could see her resolve waiver, so he walked towards the main doors.

"I'll get a couple of blankets from the supply cupboard," he informed her as he left the room.

As he looked though the cupboard, he couldn't help chuckling to himself. Whoever was in charge of stocking it had obviously been in the scouts, because they were prepared for every eventuality. Taking out what he needed, he went back to the office to find Lisbon lying on his couch fast asleep.

Stopping briefly to check on Maya in the next room and cover her with one of the blankets, he headed back to Lisbon and gently tucked the other one around her. She stirred briefly, but didn't wake up, and for a few long minutes he remained crouched down next to her.

He took her in as if he'd never seen her before. It was almost a revelation watching her sleep, she was still and relaxed instead of constantly moving and thinking. Not many people realised how tight a control Lisbon had over her team, despite Jane's antics. He may work out who the guilty party was before the rest of them, but it would be useless without the evidence that Lisbon was in charge of compiling. He wished that she received more credit for the unit's success.

He was also beginning to wish that he had not been so forthcoming with her earlier. He knew that he was making the right decision in letting going of his desire for vengeance, and in wanting a future. The timing of his feeling for her, on the other hand, he wasn't sure of.

One of his greatest fears was that something would happen to one of the unit, especially at the hands of Red John. They had become his family, not that he'd ever let his guard down enough to tell them, and he knew that he would not be able to recover if the worst did happen. That went tenfold for Lisbon, as shown by his reaction when Hardy threatened her.

He had to decide whether he could risk making her a target by attempting any sort of relationship with her. Part of him wanted to stay well away until Red John was caught and safely out of the way. Another part of him reasoned that she was already a target any way, and that he should take any chance of happiness he could find.

As he sat on the arm of the couch watching her while she slept, he found he didn't know the answer.

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed the first chapter. I came home after a bad day and found them all waiting for me, and it made me feel a lot better. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. There will be more happening in the later ones once I get past the missing scene. It's quite hard to write plausibly, Maya was found just as it was getting dark, yet they wait until the next morning to take her home.**

**I thought the song I chose for this chapter was really appropriate for Lisbon and Jane, I can't believe I hadn't made the connection before.**

**Reviews are appreciated, they inspire me to write more!**


	3. I'm Not in Love

**Chapter Three: I'm Not in Love ~ 10cc**

I'm not in love, so don't forget it  
It's just a silly phase I'm going through  
And just because I call you up  
Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made  
I'm not in love, no-no  
(It's because...)

I keep your picture upon the wall  
It hides a nasty stain that's lyin' there  
So don't you ask me to give it back  
I know you know it doesn't mean that much to me  
I'm not in love, no-no  
(It's because...)

Ooh, you'll wait a long time for me  
Ooh, you'll wait a long time

As the early morning sun streamed in through the CBI windows, Patrick Jane decided that there was a reason why beds had been invented. A few hours lying on timber floor with his bunched up jacket as a pillow had not been ideal for his back. To his amazement, he had managed to doze off for a couple of hours, though not so deeply that he wouldn't have heard Maya wake up.

Nor so deeply, it would seem, that he couldn't hear Van Pelt creep in quietly and start up her computer. He stood up slowly, noting that Lisbon was still sleeping soundly beside him, and walked over to stand behind Van Pelt.

"Morning, Grace," he whispered in her ear, careful to stand back. As predicted, and hoped, she jumped a mile into the air, her hand over her heart as she whirled around to face him.

"For goodness sake Jane, did you have to do that?"

"Yes," he answered, genuinely smiling for the first time in three days. Van Pelt's anger disappeared immediately. She could never stay furious at him and he took full advantage of it.

"You're here early," he told her. He was somewhat surprised, though careful not to show it. He knew that she arrived early most days, but not at six in the morning when she'd only left a couple of hours before.

"I figured that you and Lisbon wouldn't get a chance to leave, Maya's statement was obviously going to take a while. At least now you'll get a chance to go home and change before she goes home."

Jane was reminded of exactly why Rigsby was so in love with her. She had a heart of gold, and unlike many agents wasn't afraid to show it.

"I'll wake Lisbon up. The sooner we can get to the Plaskett's the better."

She nodded in agreement, a small smile creeping at the corner of her mouth.

"Better you than me. I had to wake her up once when we were out of town on a case, and almost ended up with a black eye."

Approaching the couch with some trepidation, Jane wondered why he had never discovered before. Maybe Lisbon was better at keeping secrets from him that he had assumed, he mused.

She was curled up on her side, facing him, as he decided on the best, and safest, method. Gently, he ran a fingertip from her shoulder down her exposed arm. She shifted slightly, but there was no other reaction. He bit his lip, planning his next move. Glancing over at Van Pelt, he saw that she was watching avidly, though trying as best she could to look disinterested. To hell with her, he thought. This was too good an opportunity to pass up.

Using the same finger, he brushed one of Lisbon's dark curls off her face and tucked it behind her ear. Once again, she moved, but refused to open her eyes. Van Pelt could see Jane's grin growing wider and almost had to look away. Every other time he had that look on his face, he was planning something that he was going to get into a lot of trouble for.

Jane started at her hairline, drawing a line down the middle of her forehead to the bridge of her nose and across her cheek bone. He became so utterly transfixed with what he was doing that he completely forgot that Van Pelt was present, concentrating only on the woman in front of him. As he reached the end of her cheek, he followed the contour of her ear down to her jaw line, until he reached the point where her chin was pressed into the worn leather of the couch. Hesitating only for a moment, he touched her bottom lip with his thumb, moving it side to side as he whispered, "Teresa."

Suddenly, the spell was broken.

"Go away, Jane," she mumbled as she rolled over away from him. He couldn't help laughing.

"How did you know it was me?"

He realised his mistake as soon as her elbow connected solidly with his ribs and his back became reacquainted with the floor.

"Ow! Anyone would think that you aren't a morning person!"

"Go to hell," was the only reply she could think of as she sat up and threw her blanket at Jane. If she was honest with herself, she would have realised that she was not so much angry with Jane for waking her up, but with herself for enjoying it so much. In the foggy moments when she was still half-asleep, she had almost been able to convince herself that there was something between them, that he hadn't been trying to amuse himself and Van Pelt.

Van Pelt! As her mind clicked into gear, she noticed the junior agent sitting at her desk, watching the whole scene unfold.

"What are you doing here so early," she snapped, blushing even more deeply.

"I thought I could look after Maya while you and Jane go home and change," she said awkwardly, wishing she hadn't observed something so private and intimate between her boss and Jane.

"Fine, thank you," she said, trying not to take out her anger on the undeserving Van Pelt. "I'll be as quick as I can."

Grabbing her bag and phone, Lisbon headed out the door straight away, hoping to avoid an awkward conversation with Jane on the way out. The fates were obviously against her, because he joined her as she repeatedly pressed the button for the elevator. He leaned up against the wall beside her, his eyes not leaving her face.

If she had been angry before, it was nothing compared to what she was feeling now. He couldn't ever just leave her alone when she wanted to be alone. He either had to find out what was wrong, whether it was any of his business or not, or make her forgive him for whatever it was he had done wrong.

The elevator doors slid open after what seemed an eternity, and Lisbon stormed in, hitting the button to close the door before Jane had a chance to get in. He refused to take the hint, calmly stopping the door and stepping in next to her.

"I'm sorry," he said as the elevator began its descent. That was the last straw.

"No, you're not, you just want me to think you are! You do this to me all the time, then wonder why the hell I don't trust you!"

The doors opened on the ground floor before Jane had a chance to reply. As he watched Lisbon storm across the lobby to the car park, he realised that he had to decide what he wanted, for both of their sakes.

**A/N: Thank you once again to everyone who reviewed. Another chapter shouldn't be too far away, I've planned out what I want to happen, but it's too much to put in one chapter. Please let me know what you think! I'm hoping that no one was too out of character in this chapter, it's hard to keep perspective on it.**


	4. Should I Stay or Should I Go

**Chapter Four: Should I Stay or Should I Go? ~ The Clash**

Darling you got to let me know  
Should I stay or should I go?  
If you say that you are mine  
I'll be here 'til the end of time

Always tease tease tease  
You're happy when I'm on my knees  
One day is fine, next day is black

This indecision's bugging me

If you don't want me, set me free

So you got to let me know  
Should I stay or should I go?

Teresa Lisbon held back the tears until she was in the privacy of her apartment. She wasn't normally given to displays of emotion, but Jane had a way of making her confront the feelings she preferred to ignore. The past few days felt like a rollercoaster, plunging into the depths when Jane had told her he was willing to die to catch Red John and soaring to new heights when he chose life. She had come tumbling back down again as he toyed, yet again, with what she felt for him.

Lisbon wouldn't say with any certainty that she loved Jane, but she knew that she was a fair way into being _in_ love with him. She also knew that he knew it, which made it worse when he flirted with her and pulled away, especially when other members of the team witnessed one of their moments.

As she stepped out of the shower and examined her tired face in the mirror, she decided that she wasn't going to let Patrick Jane affect her any longer. It had been foolish even imagining that he would be able to move on from his wife, even if he was able to see reason about Red John. She had to let go of whatever it was she felt for him, before he managed to truly hurt her.

//////////////

The atmosphere in the car on the way back to the Plaskett's was tense. Even if Lisbon had wanted to talk, Maya and Jane were lost deep in their own thoughts and showed no signs of surfacing. The driver, she didn't know. It had been decided that an officer should be stationed at the house as a precautionary measure – Red John wouldn't want a potential victim to escape alive. Lisbon had ordered Rigsby and Cho to pick them up and together they would search the crime scene, hopefully finding some trace of Red John.

By the time Lisbon had introduced the officer to the family, Jane had vanished off into the trees. Against her better judgement, Lisbon wandered off in search of him. As she strolled amongst the citrus trees and breathed in the scent, she could understand why Jane would want to savour the moment. It seemed so peaceful and calm, in sharp contrast to everything that had happened.

She found him sitting in the long grass, his back against one of the trees. The sun was broken up by the leaves high above them, and the light and shadows danced along his face as the breeze swayed the branches. To see him looking so relaxed and carefree made her happy, and as he smiled at her, she had to force herself to remain indifferent.

"We need to go, Cho and Rigsby will be here any minute," she told him. He shrugged, unconcerned.

"Sit down for a moment and have an orange. We've got plenty of time, we might as well enjoy the day while we can." He frowned slightly at her refusal but didn't argue. He knew that he had upset her; the slight redness of her eyes that morning had told him more than he needed to know. For once, though, he didn't know how to fix the situation. The only thing he could do was tell her that he felt the same way, but he didn't know if he could face the consequences, in more ways than one.

//////////////

The search of the house was methodical and by the book. Lisbon was adamant that it be done properly, to give them the best possible chance of finding Red John, and she was nearly driven to distraction by Jane's attempts to go off on his own. He held little faith in the ability of the forensic examiners to match up any DNA they found to a sample on the database, and charged through the scene intent on his finding his own kind of evidence. Seeing the murderous looks the examiners were directing towards her consultant, she marched up to him and pushed him out of the front door into relative privacy.

"What the hell did you think you were doing in there? This isn't some Mickey Mouse investigation, this is serious police work and you've gone trampling over our best connection to Red John!"

If it had been any other argument, he would have stopped for a moment to appreciate the way her eyes blazed when she was angry, or the colour it brought to her cheeks. However, it wasn't any other argument, and he was almost as angry at her as she was at him.

"You don't honestly think that Red John would be amateurish enough to be found through a couple of stray hairs? If he was that stupid, we would have caught him years ago! Now, can I go back in there and do my job, or are we going to waste time arguing about this?"

His dismissive tone really made Lisbon see red. When Jane got caught up in a case, he had a tendency to forget that he needed the others more than they needed him. They could solve cases on their own, but he didn't have the patience or the desire to collate the evidence and legally bring the criminals to justice. Sometimes, he needed to be reminded of that fact.

"Don't you dare patronise me! I want to catch Red John just as much as you, and when that happens, I'll be damned if I see him walk on a technicality! The DNA might not lead us straight to him, but it will make sure that he pays for what he has done! Do you understand me?"

He opened his mouth to argue, to tell her that there would be no need for a court when he was done, when he remembered his choice. He had chosen life, and that meant leaving justice to others. It was a transition, a whole new way of thinking about his actions, and he was surprised by how much lighter he felt. He couldn't think of anything to say, so he simply nodded his agreement. Lisbon studied him for a moment, deciphering his thoughts.

"Don't let him win, Jane," was all she said before she turned to go back into the house.

When the forensics people finally finished, Lisbon let Jane off his metaphorical leash to do his snooping. There was very little in the way of personal effects, and what there had been was now in clear bags and piled into boxes for transportation. Red John had a small yet carefully selected collection of books, mostly philosophical with a couple of pieces of literature and poetry. Jane was tempted to rip open the bags and flip through them, looking for marginalia or a particularly well thumbed passage, but refrained. They would be processed within a few days, and then he could analyse them properly. They were playing a long game in any case; a few days would not be change the result.

There was one item that caught Jane's interest. A blue and white tea cup had been found in what they termed Red John's office, next to his television monitor. He received some worried looks as he picked up the bag containing it. It was the most important item they had found, in terms of the genetic material they might find on it. But Jane behaved himself, holding it carefully as he stared at it for a long moment. Pieces of the puzzle began to come together, the edges connecting while the centre remained in disarray.

Turning to Lisbon, who had approached him silently, he voiced his thoughts.

"Rosalind lied to us. She's seen him recently." At her quizzical look, he elaborated.

"This is one of her teacups. He wouldn't steal a random piece of crockery; hence there must have been a reason why he couldn't buy his own. He couldn't buy his own because there were police all over the county looking for Maya and he didn't want to be noticed by any of them, or us. So he borrowed one from Rosalind."

Jane could almost see the gears turning in Lisbon's mind as he spoke. As soon as he had finished, she called for Cho and Rigsby and headed straight for the vehicle, with Jane close behind. All they could do was hope that they weren't too late to find Rosalind alive.


	5. Everybody's Talking At Me

**Chapter Five: Everybody's Talking At Me ~ Harry Nilsson**

Everybody's talking at me.  
I don't hear a word they're saying,  
Only the echoes of my mind.  
People stopping staring,  
I can't see their faces,  
Only the shadows of their eyes.

On arrival at Rosalind's house, they relaxed almost immediately. As soon as they stepped out of the vehicle, they were greeted by the sound of classical music being played with some skill. The agents put their weapons away, but approached the house cautiously. Jane showed none of their hesitation, taking the front steps two at a time and pounding on the door.

The music ceased immediately, and he could hear Rosalind coming to the door.

"Who's there?" she called out.

"Patrick Jane."

Rosalind opened the door, smiling slightly.

"How nice of you to come back and see me again. Come in and I'll make you some tea."

She paused slightly, realising that something wasn't quite right.

"Who is with you?"

Lisbon stepped forward and took over.

"I'm Teresa Lisbon, we met the other day. The other two are Agents Rigsby and Cho."

Rosalind looked slightly rattled, unused to so many visitors, but remained polite.

"Please do come in, all of you."

She turned and walked back into the house, leaving the door open for everyone to come in. Jane gestured for Lisbon to walk in ahead of him, and as she brushed past, she whispered a brief question.

"Again?"

Jane shrugged. He was unwilling to explain, especially in front of an audience, why he had not told her that he had returned on his own.

Once inside, Rosalind asked them to take a seat around the table while she made the tea. Cho and Rigsby watched, fascinated, at the sight of a blind woman moving around the kitchen so easily. She put the water on to boil, and then moved to where the tea cups hung on individual hooks on the wall, within easy reach. No one failed to notice that there were only five cups, but six hooks.

"What happened to the sixth cup, Rosalind? There was a complete set when I was here last," he asked, deliberately keeping his voice casual. There was more chance of catching her in a lie if she didn't realise that anything was wrong.

"I broke it. Clumsy of me, but there are times when I can't avoid it. You prefer your milk in first, don't you Patrick?"

"Yes please. You must have been upset at that, it was quite an old set."

"It was my great-grandmothers. Not that I had a chance to fully appreciate it, of course."

She poured the tea and passed each cup around the table carefully, to the muttered thanks of the occupants.

"How did you break it?"

Rosalind looked slightly worried at the line of questioning, but answered anyway.

"I knocked it off the counter while I was washing up. What did you want to talk to me about anyway? You can't have come all this way about a tea cup."

Jane looked subtly at Lisbon, indicating for her to take over.

"Actually, we have. We found your tea cup, Rosalind," she said.

Rosalind looked startled, but tried to compose herself.

"You can't have, I've already told you that I broke it. Why does it matter whether or not you found it or not anyway, I thought you were looking for a serial killer?"

"We did find it, and it matches your set perfectly. We found it in a house owned by Roy Tagliaferro."

Rosalind paused for a long moment, processing the information.

"Maybe he took it when he was last here, last Thanksgiving. Have you found Roy, can I speak to him?"

"You've already admitted to us that there were six cups here a couple of days ago. We haven't found Roy yet, but we would like to, very much. What did he tell you when he was here yesterday?"

Cho and Rigsby could only watch the conversation silently. It was times like this that they could see exactly why Jane and Lisbon worked so well together. Jane would begin by gaining the trust of the person they were interviewing. He would then question them, knowing before they did the lies they would tell, and setting traps for them accordingly. He would then hand over to Lisbon, who would bring up the evidence they had and point out the inconsistencies in the story.

Rosalind gave in, realising that she had been caught out, and not knowing the importance of what she knew.

"He came again, two nights ago. He arrived about ten minutes after Patrick had left. I was about to wash up when I heard him knock at the door."

She paused, collecting her thoughts, giving Lisbon time to take in Jane's reaction. His face was stony, but several years of practice told her that he was struggling to control his anger. It was impossible for Lisbon to understand the turmoil of his thoughts. The man he had searched for, for almost six years, had been so close to him, watching his movements until he had left Rosalind. Jane couldn't believe that he hadn't considered the possibility, or noticed any thing unusual outside the house.

"I couldn't believe that it was him, after all this time. I know I should have been angry at him for leaving me without a word, but I was so happy. I couldn't help but forgive him; it was like he had never been away. He stayed the night, and left very early the next morning. As he was walking out the door, he saw that there were two cups on the table and asked me who had been visiting. I'd honestly forgotten about everything until then, so I told him that the police had visited. I told him that he should contact you, that you thought that this Red John might be using his identity."

Jane almost laughed mirthlessly at this point, amazed at Rosalind's naivety. He couldn't think of any other woman who, when told that her lover was a murderer, would not even question him about it. Lisbon continued the questioning, seeing that Jane wouldn't be able to check his emotions.

"What did he say then?"

"He told me that he would think about it, but he had been unfairly accused in the past and didn't want to go through it all again. He said that if you came back, I was to pretend that I hadn't seen him."

"How did he end up with the tea cup?"

"He said he was building a new house nearby, and he hadn't had the chance to go to the shops. He asked if he could take a cup and some supplies. Of course, I said yes."

Rosalind paused once more, frowning slightly.

"Roy's behaviour was quite strange, now that I think about it. He was asking lots of questions about Patrick and what we had talked about. He wanted to know every detail, even which chairs we had used before he arrived. When I went to finish the washing up after Roy had left, I discovered that he had taken one of the dirty cups off the table, the cup that Patrick had used."

None of the agents knew where to look at this news. Jane's expression hadn't changed, but his eyes darkened slightly as they remained fixed on Rosalind.

"You're not telling us everything, are you Rosalind?"

Jane's voice was low and steady. His colleagues recognised the tone, although they rarely heard it. It usually meant that he was about to unleash the verbal equivalent of a nuclear bomb, which only occurred when someone successfully lied to him, or when Red John was involved. In this case, it was both, so Lisbon cut him off, anticipating the damage he could cause.

"You don't know that. Rosalind, is there anything else you would like to tell us?"

Rosalind shook her head, looking slightly frightened. Jane took that as his cue.

"What is it you are holding back from us? There is no point in protecting Roy, he doesn't care about you."

"Jane, drop it now," was Lisbon's warning. Rosalind's emotional fragility was obvious, and had been from the moment they'd met her. She'd been alone for most of her adult life, cocooned in her own dark world. If Jane took away her only source of love and comfort, there was no telling what would happen.

Blinded by his hate for Red John, Jane ignored Lisbon and persevered.

"The first day he came to your door, he hadn't broken down. We checked, no mechanic was called to the area around that date, and he never even used your phone. He came to your house to kill you, Rosalind, and the only thing that saved your life was your blindness."

Cho and Rigsby were stunned, even as used to Jane's behaviour as they were. Lisbon shot Jane a look of pure anger, realising that the point of no return had been crossed. She could order him out of the house immediately, but the damage had been done and they might as well try to make the most of a bad situation. So she let him continue.

Rosalind was shaking her head, refusing to comprehend that the man she loved would even contemplate doing something so evil. Frustrated, Jane kept going.

"He was probably holding his knife in front of him as you opened the door, do you realise that? He always uses the same knife, the autopsies have shown that. He likes his patterns, his rituals. He always cuts his victims in the same way, straight across the neck first, but not so deep that they die straight away. He likes them to die slowly, knowing exactly what is going to happen to them. You were so, so close to becoming his next victim, dying in exactly the same way."

That was too much for Rigsby, his slightly chauvinistic desire to protect vulnerable women coming to the fore.

"That's enough," he told Jane, Cho nodding his support next to him. Lisbon sat mute, unable to believe that Jane had taken it as far as he had.

Rosalind jumped to her feet, her chair flying backwards and skidding along the floor.

"You're lying, you're lying," she screamed at him, tears streaming down her face. She turned away from them and ran up the stairs to her bedroom, in the same way as she had during their first visit. Jane had anticipated this, and was close behind her, determined that she was not going to shut him out. After ordering Cho and Rigsby to remain in the kitchen, Lisbon followed. She reached them in time to see Rosalind throw herself face down onto her bed, sobbing, while Jane knelt beside her, holding one of her hands in both of his.

"Do you want to know how I know this? Whenever Roy kills someone, he leaves a symbol to prove that it was him, to claim the credit. He paints a smiley face on the wall over the body, using the victim's blood. It's his trademark, his signature. He has painted one in this very room, above your bed."

Rosalind pulled her hand away from him forcibly.

"You're lying, you're lying," she continued to chant, trying to drown out the words before she could acknowledge their truth.

Jane and Lisbon said nothing, giving her the time to process everything. Suddenly, Rosalind was on her feet, standing on the bed. Her fingers searched the walls around her, grappling around to find some evidence of the face under her finger tips. It didn't take her long, and she traced around the faint rise of the paint slowly, comprehending for the first time that everything Jane had told her was the truth. Slowly, she sank back into the bed and curled herself into a ball, completely silent and still.

Lisbon was the first to react.

"Rosalind," she said gently as she placed a hand on her shoulder and shook her slightly. There was no response. Concerned, Lisbon checked her pulse. It was there, but irregular.

"What's wrong with her?" she asked Jane, completely confused at what had happened. She didn't think it was physical, they would have seen if Rosalind had been hurt in anyway. Lisbon had never seen anyone react in this way before, and had no idea what to do.

The look on Jane's face scared her deeply, mostly because Jane looked frightened. He quickly recovered, replacing his mask before she had a chance to say anything else.

"She's had a mental breakdown. Obviously, she wasn't able to deal with the fact that her lover had been planning to kill her. She's completely shut the world out and retreated to a place in her mind where no one can hurt her."

It suddenly hit Lisbon that this was how Jane had reacted to the death of his wife and child. Rosalind's breakdown must have been like looking in a mirror for him, forcing him to relive memories he'd rather forget. If she had learnt anything about Jane, it was that he kept everything just below the surface, ready to erupt at the right trigger. The last thing she wanted was to be visiting two people in hospital.

"Go downstairs and take a walk, clear your head. I'll call an ambulance and watch Rosalind."

He nodded, relieved that Lisbon understood without needing an explanation. He was also grateful to her for not blaming him, at least for the moment. He felt guilty enough and close enough to the edge without any assistance.

He followed her order, walking straight down the stairs and out of the door without noticing Cho and Rigsby. They started to call after him, before realising that it was futile and going in search of their boss.

**A/N: I had no idea I was going to write so much! This is a big achievement for me, I've never written so much or so regularly. For the record, I've never studied psychology so I apologise for any errors. This chapter was a bit darker than I intended, but I think it was necessary. Jane has so much going on that we don't get to see and I want to explore that a bit. There will be some Jisbon coming up in the next few chapters, I promise.**

**Thank you to everyone who has been reviewing, especially the regular reviewers. Please let me know what you think, it motivates me to write and it makes me happy!**


	6. Lean On Me

**Chapter Six: Lean on Me ~ Bill Withers**

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain  
We all have sorrow  
But if we are wise  
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong  
And I'll be your friend  
I'll help you carry on  
For it won't be long  
'Til I'm gonna need  
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride  
If I have things you need to borrow  
For no one can fill those of your needs  
That you don't let show

Warning: a couple of swear words in this chapter.

Jane didn't wander far. He ended up sitting on the bonnet of the SUV, drinking in the refreshingly cool air. He felt like he hadn't been able to breathe properly for years, like a ligature had been wrapped around his neck and only just released.

He felt guilty and vindicated at the same time, wrapped up in one confused package. Rosalind was an innocent party in everything that had happened, even though she was still keeping something from them. At the same time, Jane felt like he had been able to harm Red John by proxy, by damaging the only person he seemed to love. Although, she had been extremely damaged in the first place, and not by Jane. It hadn't taken much to push her over the edge. Jane had seen too many people told that their lovers were murderers to know that Rosalind's reaction hadn't been normal. That didn't completely absolve him in his own mind, however. She had been on the brink, and he had knowingly and willingly pushed her over.

His musings were interrupted by the sight of the ambulance pulling up to the house, no lights and no sirens. It seemed almost anticlimactic.

Cho and Rigsby exited almost as soon as the paramedics entered, heading straight for Jane. There was no doubting their intentions, but Jane could not bring himself to move from his present position. Rigsby reached him first, while Cho stood back slightly. His opinion of Jane was too high to let him confront him directly, although he was as angry as Rigsby at what had occurred.

"What the hell did you think you were playing at?" Rigsby thundered, doing his best to invade Jane's personal space. Jane couldn't remember the last time he had seen him so furious, except maybe the time over dinner when he had informed Van Pelt of Rigsby's intentions towards her. Jane had to fight back a smirk at that memory, his sense of humour surfacing at an inappropriate time as usual.

"She was protecting a mass murderer. She still is, there is something crucial she hasn't told us. If that doesn't justify pushing her harder to reveal the truth, I don't know what does." Jane may have been able to reveal his feelings of guilt to himself, but he saw no benefit in making them known to the others.

"You did well then Jane, because you pushed her into a fucking nervous breakdown!"

Rigsby was steamed up, unable to understand Jane's callous actions, and his seemingly unconcerned attitude towards the consequences. His right hand had curled into a fist, and Cho would have placed money on him taking a swing at Jane, had Lisbon not interrupted them.

"That's enough Rigsby! Step away now!"

Rigsby took a step back, refusing to break eye contact with Jane. In response, Jane jumped off the front of the vehicle and stood directly in front of Rigsby, not in the least intimidated by the height difference.

"It's not my fault that she has been _fucking_ Red John. If she hadn't been, this wouldn't be a problem." He threw the profanity back at Rigsby deliberately, using it for maximum impact. He kept his voice calm and steady, as if they were having a conversation about the weather. Lisbon, however, recognised it as a danger sign, and immediately ended the discussion.

"Cho, Rigsby, go with Rosalind to the hospital. Keep an eye on her until the local police turn up, I want an armed guard with her at all times. I don't want Red John to have a single opportunity to get near her. Then get someone to give you a ride back to headquarters. Understood?" Rigsby stalked off to the ambulance straight away, leaving Cho to answer Lisbon.

"Understood, boss."

Lisbon cast a glance at the departing Rigsby, and then at Cho.

"Keep an eye on him, will you?"

Cho nodded, and left Jane and Lisbon alone. Without a word to Jane, she hopped into the driver's seat and started the engine, waiting only for Jane to join her before she took off down the road.

Jane had been expecting recriminations and a dressing down from Lisbon the second they were alone, but as they headed further and further down the road, none were forthcoming. She was lost deep in her own thoughts, so Jane took the opportunity to study her. The emotions playing subtly across her face were fascinating, and utterly unexpected. Instead of anger, there was understanding. Not the condescending kind, but the true kind, like she had seen something that had given her insight into his soul. Uncomfortable, and for once unsure of himself, Jane matched her silence. They remained that way until they arrived back at CBI headquarters.

Barely noticing Van Pelt, who was absorbed in something on her computer in any case, Lisbon went into her office, gesturing for Jane to follow. He shut the door and leaned back against it.

"Are you going to yell at me now?" he asked.

"No."

"No?"

"Would it do any good?"

"No, but when does it ever. Apart from making you feel better, of course."

Jane was relieved to see Lisbon smile slightly, but the atmosphere between them remained. For once, Lisbon had the upper hand, and Jane didn't like it at all.

"I think you should talk to Sophie Miller."

Jane had definitely not been expecting that. Since he had revealed to her that he had spent time in a mental institution, she had carefully avoided bringing it up. For her to do so now meant that she was deadly serious.

"I'm fine, I don't need to see a shrink."

"You need to talk to someone, and you obviously don't want to talk to me. Sophie knows you inside out, and you trust her."

Jane couldn't fault her reasoning, but it didn't dissipate his reluctance. He kept himself so carefully guarded that to talk to anyone honestly felt like hammering cracks into the wall he'd built around himself. In his mind, the more cracks there were, the greater the chance of the wall crumbling permanently.

"What will you do if I refuse?"

"I'll suspend you until you agree."

One look into her eyes told him she wasn't bluffing. If this was just about Rosalind, he could have found a way to talk her around, or manoeuvre his way out of the situation. This was about Lisbon's concern for him. She knew how much damage the case had done to him, and she wanted to fix him as best she could. Jane could do nothing other than agree, much to Lisbon's relief. She'd feared that he'd argue, or go straight over her head. The last thing she wanted at the moment was Minelli involved in the situation.

"Thank you. Why don't you go home? It's Friday, and there is nothing else we can do at the moment. I'm going to send everyone home for the weekend. We've all been working non-stop, and it will be much better if we all come in fresh on Monday."

She moved forward and placed her hand on his arm, in a gesture of reassurance.

"We will catch Red John, I'll make sure of it."

Jane was moved by the sincerity in her voice and her eyes. Words seemed inadequate to thank her in that moment, so he simply place a soft kiss on her cheek and left the room without looking back. If he had, he would have seen Lisbon raise her hand to her cheek, her eyes never leaving him.

**A/N: This story has become a lot darker than I intended when I began. Let me know whether you would prefer it to continue in this direction, which would involve drawing it out before we get to Red John, or if you want the plot to move forward more quickly. I'm kind of at a crossroads at the moment, and can't decide what to do. Thank you again to those who have reviewed. Please let me know what you think of the chapter. There will be more of Rigsby, Cho and Van Pelt in the next one.**


End file.
